And then She was a Trani

What to say about Today? May I begin with a day I was thirteen? Yes, please.

Backstory!:
When I was thirteen I was forced to follow in my sisters footsteps on yet another occasion. She was leaving and I was to babysit the neighbors kids. (I lived in Central NY, i had to be driven there and we only passed 5 houses. ) I was relatively good at it alone but on this occasion I had my friend with me. Two stupid 13 year old girls are not responsible, people! No one should have let that happen in the begining.

Dont worry! I can see it in your face, nobody died! worst of it was an open window by a bed that i didnt realize had no screen. That was irresponsible cuz i was a stupid kid. But when i got FIRED later that night ( rightly so ) my mother wanted to talk to me in her room.

While she was getting ready for bed she was yelling at me for being stupid ( to sum it up )and the FIRST thing out of my mouth as a response was "IT ISNT MY FAULT!" but it kinda died towards the end and i have no idea what my mother got on about cuz all I could think was wait, yes it is. I was Responsible for those kids, and I fucked up. Ever since then I have spent more waking and dreams hours than i can remember ( I became a lucid dreamer ) thinking and painfully going over, mistakes, things that are flaws in my personality, rage, ignorance, hate
but also the other side of my life, good intentions, love, ( above all else i believe in luf) patterns, connections, my part in the world. .. anything and EVERYTHING that could possible contain ... me. Now i know this sounds vain of me but to understand myself i had to understand my part in others' lives, in the world. And when i find something about me that could be better, reviewing my life and my choices daily ( I live in nYC i have to reflect often) finding where i err'ed and when it was another, i find something i can change. I only change for the better Progress is Change, Change is Progress. Good Change Only. ( hey buddy , spare any Change?)

not SEXy:
So ive been spending every moment i can trying to build a smarter, more conscious me, it doesnt always work. I've always been very open to love and at the same time very afraid of it. So i'd like to think im a very aware person excluding those moment I walk around in a HAZE 9 wink wink). As it happens i'd already gone home and changed into denim cutoffs black halter and kitty headband. Met up with Christine! got hazy, got groceries together and parted ways on the corner. On my way back to the train i take these days some dark skinned person walked by me saying SOMEthing like "Isnt' it a great day out, TRANNI?
having a great..... " as I walked past him going whaaa...? ( drool) ( im very tired these days, cough cough ) So heres the thing, wierd shit has and will ALWAYS happen to ME. It runs in my family, we cant get rid of it.And yeah i'm very androgenous especially with short hair, but NEVER with my legs all busted out up to my thighs. And a Tranni?! geez, thanks!? ( some of those ladies have GREAT legs.)

One more thing

MORAL: ( be nice people)
I have this tattoo. Now Everyone on Earth feels the need to comment , "she's got Angel Wings on her back!" They aren't angel wings but yes they are wings, it stems from many a lucid dream ( connection to first point the one that set everything in motion, me as 13)
My question is: what if i were an angel, someone to walk amongst the masses being completely harmless, just a little different, and record their reactions. Not there to judge but to report back to the hot lady in the sky so SHE can beat the crap outta y'all. MWHAHAhahaha. ehem.

But that thought led me to the books i just finished re-reading. Kusheil's..(Theres three of them)

What if instead of some Angel as most people label my piece at sight. Just a higher Person. A Lypiphera. A Protecter and Someone who can take all the rejection in the world and just take it in? Gauge, Record, React accordingly, Walk away shaking head whenever possible. Someone compassionate, would take in the bad and try not to let the hate fill up inside. ( i use sports, its quite handy) Produce only good. Good three-fold: Good thoughts, good will, good deeds
Its pretty hard living to Ny and nobody's perfect but why not be nice to your neighbor and not creep around spying on them ( or me rather now that im living at Jeffersons for my temp last week in the city) What a creepy old man! Anyway. Maybe Im special in a super human way after all, o r maybe im just a little too vain for my own good.

-Ruby