what the HELL is going on

i dont understand, whats up with this kid?

wednesday he calls me up and asks me repeatedly to drive up and spend time with 'im even though he'd be at work. Just come hang out in the lobby with him. So then im all ok well i have staurday off ill come up then. but no. he sends me a text telling me i should come up but should wait til he has a day off. So i request off mon and tuesday so i can drive up to see him and get monday tuesday AND wednesday off. Soo im ALll excited thinking im going to get to see him for like two days at least. but no

no instead of sticking to that he has to come down here. So fine whatever ill see him during the day at least for two days cuz he doesnt want to sleep here. Fine whatev.

But NOOOOo now on monday he's driving to plam dale whereve the fuck that is and i can see him tuesday and a little bit of wednesday before he leaves.

and then he got off the phone with me. afte 20 MINS of talking. we normally talk for at least an hour. im so confused and upset he tells to me drive up and see him and then when im actually going ot do it he tells me not to. He tells me he wants to see me but when he actually has a chance he decides to spend the least amount of time with me.


I dont like this at all. he has to make up his fucking mind or not see me at all. its not fair to play with someones head. if he wants me to be a malicous bitch i will be. but i dont wnat to be.

so instead i've decided that since we aren't even seeing each other that its perfectly ok for me to go and see people. Like the other guy i think is awesome but didnt want to get involved with b/c of my like for someon else. But you know what?
fuck it. fuck feelings and fuck all this head game shit. I didnt want it in the first place.

The Clairification

ITS NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




its him. he likes me



yay!

who wouldnt/

The Official Buzz Kill

moral: trust your friends with nothing


back story:
I moved to CA with the promise of a couch and free rent. Now I'm being booted by my very good friend So that her subtly controlling assmonkey of a girlfriend can move in. The type of spoiled girl who always gets her way and clearly doesnt want me in my friends life. For whatever reason. And since my friend is going along with it. I dont have a choice.


So to sum up, the first boy I've liked in abour 4 years might be running away screaming ( I got a messge from him that is secretly telling me he thinks he might shoot himself if he had to spend two days with me ( although he did the i dont knwo if You can take ME shit ) and Im homeless in a month.


So rock on.

The Rant AND the Rave about Luf

So the boy from okcupid.


I am unique. I am strange. i know when i will love someone.


Never in my LIFE have i met anyone who some completley compliments me.

So Skyler. The boy who gives me everything I want without knowing I want it. Im so scared.
I have to urge to run away. I have the thougt that he will run away. Im so scared.

Someone reassure me. SOmeone hold me and tel lme I will be fine. Oh wait thats something Sky would do if he knew how i felt. But i cant tell him. Its been a week! he's aboy. He would run. WOuldnt he?


Would you? How am I supposed to let my guard down? After the most terrible of relationships in 03-'04 the love of my life, the douche bag of america, the scars i wear!

I talk to this boy everynight. Everything he says makes me wish with all my soul that he were next to me. That somehow if I close my eyes and wish enough I could be next to him. But I cant tell him. I wont be able to tell him the next time i see him ( if i get the days off) And i wont be able to tell him the time after that. I cant tell him on the phone ( his reaction could be a lie how would i know? i wouldnt be there to see it) I just cant bear to say it. Iliek you , eventually I love you. i cant say it anymore. Saying it means it'll end. This boy has no idea how fucked up I am.


What do i do? how do i stop freaking out and go with the flow? Everything I know says he'll run. Everythign i Know tells me im the one who will fuck it up.

i wish i wish i wish


wishing does nothing for the soul.

End of Rant. Beginning of worry, luf, and heartache.

Dating + 2

Well as some of you who actually know me know I have an okcupid account. ( Thank you Em. ) no for me okcupid is just another way to meet guys ( and girls) that i want to fuck. But since i recently movved to Cali i've been holding off on the one night stands ( they're isnt an orgy scene in santa B) and all that fun stuff. So i met up with a guy from okcupid who I thought was pretty decent and he as but i didnt feel the spark.

So whilst browsing around the internet for emails and such i have a tendancy to leave my okcupid up and people IM me through it. Alot of people just want me to talk dirty to them which i hate because unless imgetting something outta uit im not going to entertain some loser. ( i told you i was a bitch)

so this one day im chatting it up with a hotty from my area and i get an incoming chat from this guy with one picture thats liek well i think you're cute but who knows cuz its grainy and im really precarious about it and i really wanted to blow him off. So we get to talking and in the back of mind i keep thinking this guys a dick he's so totally going to say something dick-ish any minute know thats going to make me want to wish i never accepted his chat. But he didnt. And the next night he didnt. and the night after that

So I started working at trader Joes the 4 to midnight shift. And i had talked to this guy ( Skyler ) on the phone in my bathrub, the only place i get reception) and all I could think was that I loved the sound of his voice. I was very into it. So the 21 I go into work and Sklyer was in the area ( he lives like 7 hrs away from me) but i told my new foudn co workers i would go to the bar with them. So im driving and im lost and he calls and we chat for a second and he's all wel li Dont want to distract you and we hang up and i get to where im going and im wandering around looking for an atm and i have a voicemail. And its Skyler ( what a great name!)

and he's like look I was thinking after i hung up with you that all i want to do tonight is hang out with Lily. So i leap. We decided to meet half way between where i was and where he was visiting. The state beach.

I've never hung out with anyone on the beach at night. We walked around and hung out and got rough( literally the whole little kid im going to beat onyou cuz i like you deal) and then idk i was kissing his neck and then we wre kissing and for once in a really long time i felt passion. Welay in the sand and he rubbed my back without even me saying anything and we had completely comforatable silence. And the passion I felt for him! I had passion with Matt but it was more raw and sexual. This was more I just want to touch you, feel you, know you passion. The kind of passion I had when i was in love with my Bf in'03.

So im thinking , interesting i barely know the guy.

well we hung out until 5am. and we never had sex. he didnt even touch me inappropriately. ( half to my dismay half to my liking)

so of course we talked tonight on the phone and I went out to my car drunk to talk to him in private ( i live with 2 lezz's) and im like hmm my sex box is in this car. So i start to have some fun. Just hearing his voice makes me hot. I havent been with someone who seemed to respect me so much in years. So im in the car and im wearing his shirt ( that he handed me at the 2nd beach we went to that night totally un asked totally old fashioned date like) and all i can think is " i wish you were here"

So im trying to not think about the fact that I wanted to curl up with him on the beach ( he slep t on the beach that night cuz he locked himself out of his g/ parents house) and i would have had he oked it. But i didnt ask if he was ok with it. plus i had work an all to think about.

Its interesting getting bacck into the whole taking it semi slow stage. i wont get to Sky alot due to the time it takes to drive plus i have random day soff and he has random day of fand we work dif. night shifts. I get off at midnight he gets on at 11pm butim willing to try.

PLus when i move to San fran it wont be as much of a hassle to drive to his area.


i think im in shock. LIfe is going all too well. i dont trust it.

And now, for a post that has nothing to do with sex!

I just have some general good news I felt like reporting.

I had a 2 hour interview with Jeff from Starbucks and two other loverly ladies ( older women) today which went great followed by an amazing 2 hours of volleyball. It was AWESOME. i mean that in the original sense of the word. Down at the beach Right next to the waves and everything was surreal. The waves in the background where it met the sand made the water look like a computer generated display with overly large boats drifting by. It was great.

Plus theres a cute guy Guy on my new team. hopefully ill have a new sex blog soon :: D

Black shirt it never gets dirty the longer you wear it the CRAZIER YOU GET!

Well the craziness has started again. Last night i went to gay night at Wildcat, which really isnt ever that gay. Lots of straight people. So when I had a full on ass grab I kinda well, i fucking flipped out.

I didnt even realize what I was doing. But this guy feels me up trying to get by me and i stand there for one second and watch his back and he wanders off then i litterally marched up to him ( im tall it took like 3 steps) and was like ---------------- ( i have no idea what i said) and then I grabbed the front of his shirt ( according to my friends who were behind me) and said dont you ever fucking touch me again. And then more word were exchanged and i dont remember what cuz it happen really fast. But he apologized and I walked back to m friends and then he ( his name is Daniel) walked up cuz he knew some of my friends and then he was explaining more and I was like you dont have to do that and then HE took offense and said something and flipped me off and I was like ok fine whatever if that's how you wawnt to be. So our mutual friend Ron was like ok hi! and did introductions and then Daniel was aplogizing and we were laughing and over it.

So for the rest of the night he was apologizing and we were having fun with each other. I cant believe I almost hit him though I was so angry. So of course I thought that happening would make me social outcast and that any straight boy would never come near me. So imagine my surprise when a guy walked up to me and said hello.

Not a terrible looking asian guy in a tight black shirt and black pants, tattoo's seemed pretty nice. So im talking to him and my new friend Diana was talking to him and eventually he offered to buy drinks. Which is really nice. but I wasnt feeling him so i said no. But everyone said oh come on just do it! So he bought me a drink, Diana a drink and Ron ( ron is so gay!) a drink. And then we danced. Now I've stopped getting drunk to go to the club. Im begining to prefer being high and loving life in a more sober way ( lets face it after like an hour and a half im pretty striaght up sober) But one of the reasons i love gay night is not just to prowl for women but so that when i dance with a guy I can get my ultimate groove on without having to worry about saying no im not going home with you thanks. Unfortuanely now i was dancing with a straight guy. So after two awesome dances i was getting sick of being near this guy.One of the dances we had together though was Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado I thought it was pretty appropriate. But after that I kept giving Diana help me looks. She suggested I go to the bathroom and suggested she show me where it is. So we spent like a good five or ten minutes in there talking and hanging out and then we went back around and danced some more.

But he found us. And after me blatently pointing out i was with Diana he walked away ( I had tried to hint to him that I was more gay by saying that I only come to Wildcat on gay night that i loved gay night for all these reasons like women!) So you think that him walking away meant he got it. That he understood that yes we had danced with him and we owed him nothing. Cuz honey after I danced with him we definately didnt owe him anything. So imagine our surprise when he came back later and Emily and Jen saved me and then we we got tired and went to sit down in the back corner booth and noticed he had been standing RIGHT behind me with his buddy. Or later when he came up again and tried to dance with me or the next time or at the end of the night when the bar was closing and I was dancing Salsa with Diana who was teaching me how and laughing and having a fucking great time and then this guy shows up. Im re tying my boot and suddenly hes dancing with my lady. ( my friend lady not my lady friend ) So i grab Diana and pull her away and then we go off with Emily and sit down adn then get up aain to dance to the last Salsa song. And creep ( Chris ) is STILL hovering, he found us by the door and said he hoped to see me around next Sunday, which means just in case NExt Sunday I cant go.

But all in all I had fun so wee!

we all love a good suddenly

Hello there!

Last friday I went down to L.A with my gay girls to Truck Stop. Its a lesbian bar, obviously. I surveyed the scene took a few laps around had a ton of people come up and touch my tattoo. i was in this tube topped black lace dress with a green underlay and my black corset. Very chesty.

I wasnt really interested in that mant girls there although i did stop to have some conversation with a few loverly dykes here and there. I had one drink, then another and a few minutes later I had one more. Aaaaaand after a few more minutes I decided I should have felt it by now I should hve another drink. And after like 20 minutes when I still wasnt even buzzed I said hey why not have a shot??

And then i was blasted.

Now the night gets too fuzzy to recount here but the major part of the evening is memorable. Somehow I met a girl named Annabelle who was just as drunk as me! A good song came on and we took hands and scurried to the dance floor. Unfortuanely this girl was even more drunk than I and we kept bumping into people everywhere so I would unlock my lips from hers long enough to apologize and then we would do it all over again. Until she pushed me up against the wall of course.

Now it was right about here where I let myself become a little conscious of what was going on. Suddenly I realized Annabelle's hand was in my vagina. Right there in front of many many people. Now me being as drunk as I was assumed noone could see but my gays assured me later we got some stares from many a girl.

Then i had to puke!

Then the bar closed

Then i woke up with a hickey.


The end!


MOral: wait 30 mins in between drink 4 and 5 if you've just downed drink after drink. :: )