The newest new expierence

So I thought i'd been through it all. Every level of love, lust, want, desire. And yet I am still surprised. Age has never been an issue for me. Once back in Brooklyn I was seeing a guy who was 35 when I was 20. Its a mental thing. It's a soul thing. And finally my faith in this is tested.

One of my good friends turned 21 recently. The day before his (Julian) birthday our group of friends set up sloshball in the disc golf ( frisbee) park in our area. Sloshball being kickball/softball only 2nd base is a keg. Mucho Funo. After having a GREAT day ( one of my friend's friend made out with me in center field) we come back to the house and set up beer pong with some kids we recriuted at the park. My friend is an apprentice for a small farm and every now and then they have dinners at the farmhouse. Since it was his birthday weekend I decided to forsake the hot boy and go with my friend to the dinner. I've recently (since my almost fiance broke up with me) been very into my life. Doing everything I want to do ( as long as it doesnt hurt anyone) and as much as i can possibly stand being positvely accepting of myself. I also ( although I had two or three casual relationships *to be posted later*) stopped having sex. I had sex for the first time in two or three months about a week and a half ago. 19 year old, hot, new college student, not bad ( his first time in over a year) and i'm glad i got it out. I stopped having sex to better focus on my personal relationships.
So I went to this dinner not wearing shoes ( I hate shoes) in cut off jean shorts and Julian's grey and black stripped sweater. We get to the farm while it's still light out. we walk up and I see mostly older people sitting in a circle talking. Then a boy catches my eye and mouths ( i love your hair!) I have curly hair that's 85% dreaded and fire engine red. I'm used to being complimented ( or not) on it. I get introduced to everyone and julian asks if I want a tour of the farm. So him and my new friend ( Connor) go on an adventure. Now this kid is hot. We're talking Christian Bale's younger brother hot. Gorgeous smile. Yummy. So on the first turn around the trees I say to Connor "So how old are you?" To which he responds. 16

And I say COMPLETELY taken aback. "Well it's a good thing i didn't hit on you!" By saying which i was acctually in an indirect way, hitting on him. So we tour the farm and make it back to dinner. And we all notice that it's a full moon. Apparently the farm used to have full moon feasts every full moon. So we accidentally had this get full moon feast on the day before my friend's birthday and it just so happened to have been a great great day. So we say what we're thankful for and put our arms around each other in a circle around the table with the food and the jewish folk in our crowd ( which i LOVE cuz i used to go to chabbat ) sing some prayers and we all take a plate and sit down. So Connor and I sit next to each other and everyone starts chatting and eating and having an amazing time. And I no matter how much I tell myself dont dont dont it's wrong this isnt right.... when the knee found my knee I leaned back. And when the hand found my knee I smiled. And when the eyes caught my eyes I blushed. And when the girl across the table gave my evil eye I took my hand off his leg. For a second.

By the end of the night we were laughing and our hands were a wandering and when he TOLD me to get him food ( on my plate) instead of telling him to fuck off I said yes. And got wet at the idea of submission to this boy. This BOY. how sick. As a 23 going on 24 year old. a 23 year old who has almost her entire life controlled rage issues, anxiety, and lust, could NOT stop from getting him food, scratching my nails on his lower back and doing nothing more than being me. For the first time in a long time I had met someone who honestly from the first moment liked me for no other reason than I am who I am. So that night I went home without him. And all night I thought about him while sleeping at my friends house. And when I woke up thought about him more. And later that day he called the phone of someone in the house to get ahold of Julian ( due to him having lost his phoen several days earlier) I managed to scam the number of the paper it was written on. Eventhough he had my number I couldnt wait to talk to him. I text him and we met later that day for sushi. I wore this green dress I had modified to be shorter in the front and my hair in a curly bun. And flip flops ( it was a resturant i HAD to wear shoes ) I have never been more nervous in my life. This boy, however old in spirit, was wrecking havoc on my brain. Seven year difference may not be that old once you're BOTH 20+ but all I could think was what ARE you doing here. And being the honest person that I am I came clean about it pretty early on.
We had an amazing time. He paid for dinner and it felt so wierdly ok to walk out with him. We've gone to the Botanical gardens too. Everytime i think about seeing him it makes me life seem to glow just a little more. And everytime I think that theres 4 years in between him and a bar, I cring. But I just cant stop myself. And for this I'd really rather not.