A moderate rant of self explaination

Its interesting how each day of my life plays out. How many times the universe will give me what I need before I know I need it, and then take it away before i'm ready to give it up. I think it's teaching me to be less materialistic. I definitely having a problem with clinging to my past experiences because they can be so good. I have a need for every day to be that good. And it doesn't depend on who I'm with or what I'm doing it just depends on me. But with people like Connor, so completely un-expected so completely good I find it hard to see the reason why it would be presented to me and taken away so abruptly.
Not that there aren't possibilities for a replacement. In my life I need to have many people. I find that few can captivate my attention long enough for me to focus solely on them. And when I do they can rarely handle it. I need to spread it around over many so that no one person feels the burning intensity that is wholly my love. Connor and I, needless to say? Arent seeing each other anymore. Which I agree with due to his age but would never have done. Why does he have to be so young? He breaks my heart. He also is keeping me going. I love my life. I do. But im so sick and tired of the hurt and the pain and having no one in my life be truly close to me or truly understand me. I finally give up on looking and this incredibly amazing person who has the innate capability to get me comes bounding into my life. Which I dont trust and rightly so. Because again, as with everyone in my life whether I care about them or not, but more so when I do, leaves. Connor has joined the ranks of the few I love and the many who leave.
I find it strange that even my best friends, of which i can honestly say i've had three, have no idea who I am really am. Because they either a) dont believe in my exp. and therefore cannot possibly understand where I come from or b) do not have the ability to understand my exp.
for various reasons. I dont think like others im not wired like others i dont feel like others I dont have the exp. others have. On many levels my strangely unique way of thinking and perspective comes from a few things 1) direct observation- i like psychology and most people are very easy to read 2) intuition- call it what you will I can feel people in my head, I can sense intention 3) whatever is in my blood- my entire family draws in people like moths to the flame. And my flame is very very bright.
If I were to draw a self portrait I would draw a laughing girl, who's skin shone with all the light from the stars and the heat from the sun with people in the distance reaching for her and all the flowers around her burning.
And no I dont think very much of myself. As odd as that sounds. I am afraid to believe in myself. Afraid that I will only cause destruction, burn the people I love and be alone with everyone who needs me. I am very much alone. Having people react to me in all their ways has kept me alone, I am alone surrounded by people who dont know how unconnected I am to them. Occasionally I do not see from the first person perspective, it's worse than that. I see out from my head into the eyes of the observer who is in the room. it's like i'm looking out from the id. two sets of eyes one being inner and one being outer. It's a terribly detaching way of seeing the world. And sometimes I will make the decision to step into the outer set, becomes just me again, but just me its still an observer still constantly painfully aware of everything going on around her.