Its interesting how each day of my life plays out. How many times the universe will give me what I need before I know I need it, and then take it away before i'm ready to give it up. I think it's teaching me to be less materialistic. I definitely having a problem with clinging to my past experiences because they can be so good. I have a need for every day to be that good. And it doesn't depend on who I'm with or what I'm doing it just depends on me. But with people like Connor, so completely un-expected so completely good I find it hard to see the reason why it would be presented to me and taken away so abruptly.
Not that there aren't possibilities for a replacement. In my life I need to have many people. I find that few can captivate my attention long enough for me to focus solely on them. And when I do they can rarely handle it. I need to spread it around over many so that no one person feels the burning intensity that is wholly my love. Connor and I, needless to say? Arent seeing each other anymore. Which I agree with due to his age but would never have done. Why does he have to be so young? He breaks my heart. He also is keeping me going. I love my life. I do. But im so sick and tired of the hurt and the pain and having no one in my life be truly close to me or truly understand me. I finally give up on looking and this incredibly amazing person who has the innate capability to get me comes bounding into my life. Which I dont trust and rightly so. Because again, as with everyone in my life whether I care about them or not, but more so when I do, leaves. Connor has joined the ranks of the few I love and the many who leave.
I find it strange that even my best friends, of which i can honestly say i've had three, have no idea who I am really am. Because they either a) dont believe in my exp. and therefore cannot possibly understand where I come from or b) do not have the ability to understand my exp.
for various reasons. I dont think like others im not wired like others i dont feel like others I dont have the exp. others have. On many levels my strangely unique way of thinking and perspective comes from a few things 1) direct observation- i like psychology and most people are very easy to read 2) intuition- call it what you will I can feel people in my head, I can sense intention 3) whatever is in my blood- my entire family draws in people like moths to the flame. And my flame is very very bright.
If I were to draw a self portrait I would draw a laughing girl, who's skin shone with all the light from the stars and the heat from the sun with people in the distance reaching for her and all the flowers around her burning.
And no I dont think very much of myself. As odd as that sounds. I am afraid to believe in myself. Afraid that I will only cause destruction, burn the people I love and be alone with everyone who needs me. I am very much alone. Having people react to me in all their ways has kept me alone, I am alone surrounded by people who dont know how unconnected I am to them. Occasionally I do not see from the first person perspective, it's worse than that. I see out from my head into the eyes of the observer who is in the room. it's like i'm looking out from the id. two sets of eyes one being inner and one being outer. It's a terribly detaching way of seeing the world. And sometimes I will make the decision to step into the outer set, becomes just me again, but just me its still an observer still constantly painfully aware of everything going on around her.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The newest new expierence
So I thought i'd been through it all. Every level of love, lust, want, desire. And yet I am still surprised. Age has never been an issue for me. Once back in Brooklyn I was seeing a guy who was 35 when I was 20. Its a mental thing. It's a soul thing. And finally my faith in this is tested.
One of my good friends turned 21 recently. The day before his (Julian) birthday our group of friends set up sloshball in the disc golf ( frisbee) park in our area. Sloshball being kickball/softball only 2nd base is a keg. Mucho Funo. After having a GREAT day ( one of my friend's friend made out with me in center field) we come back to the house and set up beer pong with some kids we recriuted at the park. My friend is an apprentice for a small farm and every now and then they have dinners at the farmhouse. Since it was his birthday weekend I decided to forsake the hot boy and go with my friend to the dinner. I've recently (since my almost fiance broke up with me) been very into my life. Doing everything I want to do ( as long as it doesnt hurt anyone) and as much as i can possibly stand being positvely accepting of myself. I also ( although I had two or three casual relationships *to be posted later*) stopped having sex. I had sex for the first time in two or three months about a week and a half ago. 19 year old, hot, new college student, not bad ( his first time in over a year) and i'm glad i got it out. I stopped having sex to better focus on my personal relationships.
So I went to this dinner not wearing shoes ( I hate shoes) in cut off jean shorts and Julian's grey and black stripped sweater. We get to the farm while it's still light out. we walk up and I see mostly older people sitting in a circle talking. Then a boy catches my eye and mouths ( i love your hair!) I have curly hair that's 85% dreaded and fire engine red. I'm used to being complimented ( or not) on it. I get introduced to everyone and julian asks if I want a tour of the farm. So him and my new friend ( Connor) go on an adventure. Now this kid is hot. We're talking Christian Bale's younger brother hot. Gorgeous smile. Yummy. So on the first turn around the trees I say to Connor "So how old are you?" To which he responds. 16
And I say COMPLETELY taken aback. "Well it's a good thing i didn't hit on you!" By saying which i was acctually in an indirect way, hitting on him. So we tour the farm and make it back to dinner. And we all notice that it's a full moon. Apparently the farm used to have full moon feasts every full moon. So we accidentally had this get full moon feast on the day before my friend's birthday and it just so happened to have been a great great day. So we say what we're thankful for and put our arms around each other in a circle around the table with the food and the jewish folk in our crowd ( which i LOVE cuz i used to go to chabbat ) sing some prayers and we all take a plate and sit down. So Connor and I sit next to each other and everyone starts chatting and eating and having an amazing time. And I no matter how much I tell myself dont dont dont it's wrong this isnt right.... when the knee found my knee I leaned back. And when the hand found my knee I smiled. And when the eyes caught my eyes I blushed. And when the girl across the table gave my evil eye I took my hand off his leg. For a second.
By the end of the night we were laughing and our hands were a wandering and when he TOLD me to get him food ( on my plate) instead of telling him to fuck off I said yes. And got wet at the idea of submission to this boy. This BOY. how sick. As a 23 going on 24 year old. a 23 year old who has almost her entire life controlled rage issues, anxiety, and lust, could NOT stop from getting him food, scratching my nails on his lower back and doing nothing more than being me. For the first time in a long time I had met someone who honestly from the first moment liked me for no other reason than I am who I am. So that night I went home without him. And all night I thought about him while sleeping at my friends house. And when I woke up thought about him more. And later that day he called the phone of someone in the house to get ahold of Julian ( due to him having lost his phoen several days earlier) I managed to scam the number of the paper it was written on. Eventhough he had my number I couldnt wait to talk to him. I text him and we met later that day for sushi. I wore this green dress I had modified to be shorter in the front and my hair in a curly bun. And flip flops ( it was a resturant i HAD to wear shoes ) I have never been more nervous in my life. This boy, however old in spirit, was wrecking havoc on my brain. Seven year difference may not be that old once you're BOTH 20+ but all I could think was what ARE you doing here. And being the honest person that I am I came clean about it pretty early on.
We had an amazing time. He paid for dinner and it felt so wierdly ok to walk out with him. We've gone to the Botanical gardens too. Everytime i think about seeing him it makes me life seem to glow just a little more. And everytime I think that theres 4 years in between him and a bar, I cring. But I just cant stop myself. And for this I'd really rather not.
One of my good friends turned 21 recently. The day before his (Julian) birthday our group of friends set up sloshball in the disc golf ( frisbee) park in our area. Sloshball being kickball/softball only 2nd base is a keg. Mucho Funo. After having a GREAT day ( one of my friend's friend made out with me in center field) we come back to the house and set up beer pong with some kids we recriuted at the park. My friend is an apprentice for a small farm and every now and then they have dinners at the farmhouse. Since it was his birthday weekend I decided to forsake the hot boy and go with my friend to the dinner. I've recently (since my almost fiance broke up with me) been very into my life. Doing everything I want to do ( as long as it doesnt hurt anyone) and as much as i can possibly stand being positvely accepting of myself. I also ( although I had two or three casual relationships *to be posted later*) stopped having sex. I had sex for the first time in two or three months about a week and a half ago. 19 year old, hot, new college student, not bad ( his first time in over a year) and i'm glad i got it out. I stopped having sex to better focus on my personal relationships.
So I went to this dinner not wearing shoes ( I hate shoes) in cut off jean shorts and Julian's grey and black stripped sweater. We get to the farm while it's still light out. we walk up and I see mostly older people sitting in a circle talking. Then a boy catches my eye and mouths ( i love your hair!) I have curly hair that's 85% dreaded and fire engine red. I'm used to being complimented ( or not) on it. I get introduced to everyone and julian asks if I want a tour of the farm. So him and my new friend ( Connor) go on an adventure. Now this kid is hot. We're talking Christian Bale's younger brother hot. Gorgeous smile. Yummy. So on the first turn around the trees I say to Connor "So how old are you?" To which he responds. 16
And I say COMPLETELY taken aback. "Well it's a good thing i didn't hit on you!" By saying which i was acctually in an indirect way, hitting on him. So we tour the farm and make it back to dinner. And we all notice that it's a full moon. Apparently the farm used to have full moon feasts every full moon. So we accidentally had this get full moon feast on the day before my friend's birthday and it just so happened to have been a great great day. So we say what we're thankful for and put our arms around each other in a circle around the table with the food and the jewish folk in our crowd ( which i LOVE cuz i used to go to chabbat ) sing some prayers and we all take a plate and sit down. So Connor and I sit next to each other and everyone starts chatting and eating and having an amazing time. And I no matter how much I tell myself dont dont dont it's wrong this isnt right.... when the knee found my knee I leaned back. And when the hand found my knee I smiled. And when the eyes caught my eyes I blushed. And when the girl across the table gave my evil eye I took my hand off his leg. For a second.
By the end of the night we were laughing and our hands were a wandering and when he TOLD me to get him food ( on my plate) instead of telling him to fuck off I said yes. And got wet at the idea of submission to this boy. This BOY. how sick. As a 23 going on 24 year old. a 23 year old who has almost her entire life controlled rage issues, anxiety, and lust, could NOT stop from getting him food, scratching my nails on his lower back and doing nothing more than being me. For the first time in a long time I had met someone who honestly from the first moment liked me for no other reason than I am who I am. So that night I went home without him. And all night I thought about him while sleeping at my friends house. And when I woke up thought about him more. And later that day he called the phone of someone in the house to get ahold of Julian ( due to him having lost his phoen several days earlier) I managed to scam the number of the paper it was written on. Eventhough he had my number I couldnt wait to talk to him. I text him and we met later that day for sushi. I wore this green dress I had modified to be shorter in the front and my hair in a curly bun. And flip flops ( it was a resturant i HAD to wear shoes ) I have never been more nervous in my life. This boy, however old in spirit, was wrecking havoc on my brain. Seven year difference may not be that old once you're BOTH 20+ but all I could think was what ARE you doing here. And being the honest person that I am I came clean about it pretty early on.
We had an amazing time. He paid for dinner and it felt so wierdly ok to walk out with him. We've gone to the Botanical gardens too. Everytime i think about seeing him it makes me life seem to glow just a little more. And everytime I think that theres 4 years in between him and a bar, I cring. But I just cant stop myself. And for this I'd really rather not.
Encounters of the 4th kind
So, to recap slightly. After going sexual with a good guy friend who said he didnt want a girlfriend and then ended up wanted the cake wanted to eat the cake but didnt want to call it cake, I ended the sexual aspect of it. I wasn't interested in his roomate until a few months down the orad when the two of spent more time alone together. Then it became me being interested in the POTENTIAL of a person. Something i do quite often and on this particular subject was not entirely aware of it. The roomate (scott) and i both decided to that we were "seeing" each other although according to him he would be unhappy if i was "seeing" anyone else. So we were monogamous yet calling it something else, something less definate. Because also in his words "relationships are something that end."
The anxiety I hadn't had since high school had finally come back with a vengance. I realized much later that my anxiety was due to the fact that I knew I didnt want to be with him. And yet when I left to take care of my manic depressive sister for a month ( TOTALLY fucking my life in the process) I left him with a "let's try" b/c I was still seeing our potential, if we were older, if he wasnt so scarred emotionally, if, if, if.
After getting to Oahu I realized, hey, I dont miss him. hey I dont really want to be with him. And after some yoga and a lot of breathing excersises my axiety went away alltogether. And a few weeks later I layed eyes on the only man who made me want a ring on my finger. More so I wanted a ring on HIS finger. VEry long, not so boring story later We got together he proposed I said no. A few weeks after that I was back home and we were looking for houses together via the internets, talking everyday three of more times minimum and he was planning on going awol to see me. Oh yea hes a navy boy. And then the day before easter he called me at work and told me, the same man who said all the times he ever said I love you to any girl before me was a lie he didnt realize he was telling, said he didnt think we were going to work out. His ex girlfriend had called him and said she was pregnant. This was her third attempt at getting him back. but this time he believed her. And guess what boys and girls? She lied.
Haha motherfucker.
So after a while ( is been a few months) i started feeling not so lost, started going to school again and ca see my whole life ahead of me. Its not wonderful everyday I'm still very very unsure, doubtful, and lonely. But I'm also incredibly happy, on one of the best paths I've ever been on and learned some very valuable lessons. I'm about to learn another one.....
The anxiety I hadn't had since high school had finally come back with a vengance. I realized much later that my anxiety was due to the fact that I knew I didnt want to be with him. And yet when I left to take care of my manic depressive sister for a month ( TOTALLY fucking my life in the process) I left him with a "let's try" b/c I was still seeing our potential, if we were older, if he wasnt so scarred emotionally, if, if, if.
After getting to Oahu I realized, hey, I dont miss him. hey I dont really want to be with him. And after some yoga and a lot of breathing excersises my axiety went away alltogether. And a few weeks later I layed eyes on the only man who made me want a ring on my finger. More so I wanted a ring on HIS finger. VEry long, not so boring story later We got together he proposed I said no. A few weeks after that I was back home and we were looking for houses together via the internets, talking everyday three of more times minimum and he was planning on going awol to see me. Oh yea hes a navy boy. And then the day before easter he called me at work and told me, the same man who said all the times he ever said I love you to any girl before me was a lie he didnt realize he was telling, said he didnt think we were going to work out. His ex girlfriend had called him and said she was pregnant. This was her third attempt at getting him back. but this time he believed her. And guess what boys and girls? She lied.
Haha motherfucker.
So after a while ( is been a few months) i started feeling not so lost, started going to school again and ca see my whole life ahead of me. Its not wonderful everyday I'm still very very unsure, doubtful, and lonely. But I'm also incredibly happy, on one of the best paths I've ever been on and learned some very valuable lessons. I'm about to learn another one.....
Monday, September 7, 2009
It's been a while....... since. i've. written. here
It's been a Loooooooong time since I wrote here! I kinda forgot about this and have been requested I keep it updated! I'll just hit on the major points since it's been so long. Since Bones (who I never got with) I've had some major things happen. I ended up with a Hawaiian boy who lived with some "friends" of mine. In the beginning I thought it was a problem that he liked me so much. And then I decided hey, he likes me! that means I dont have to worry about him. Oh how wrong I was. We had one of those moments that's like, I'll just put it in for a second and then we'll get a condom. And in ONE SECOND, he came. Damn. And then the pill didnt work. And I was pregnant.
WORST moment of my life. I had a real decision to make. But for me, providing the BEST possible life for my child is the ONLY option. And I couldn't do that. In the few weeks it took for me to find out I was pregnant I also found out that my new boyfriend, the first official boyfriend in FIVE YEARS, was a hard drug using, used to be drug selling, murderer. Great, love my life! kisses and hugs universe, you bitch. So I got an abortion, which my murderous drug using boyfriend (still ) paid for. After which he cheated on me. And all my "friends" knew about it. They knew about my abortion too. So i made it official that we WEREN'T together anymore.
After that I went into a monogamous yet casual relationship with a friend of a friend. A DJ, a very good one at that. After we consenually stopped seeing each other I had a here and there with some people, messed up a good relation with a guy friend over his roomate. And then said roomate was the beginning of a very very messy encounter, of possibly the 4th kind.........
WORST moment of my life. I had a real decision to make. But for me, providing the BEST possible life for my child is the ONLY option. And I couldn't do that. In the few weeks it took for me to find out I was pregnant I also found out that my new boyfriend, the first official boyfriend in FIVE YEARS, was a hard drug using, used to be drug selling, murderer. Great, love my life! kisses and hugs universe, you bitch. So I got an abortion, which my murderous drug using boyfriend (still ) paid for. After which he cheated on me. And all my "friends" knew about it. They knew about my abortion too. So i made it official that we WEREN'T together anymore.
After that I went into a monogamous yet casual relationship with a friend of a friend. A DJ, a very good one at that. After we consenually stopped seeing each other I had a here and there with some people, messed up a good relation with a guy friend over his roomate. And then said roomate was the beginning of a very very messy encounter, of possibly the 4th kind.........
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