Life and Things

hmm what did i last report on?

oh yes Jordan. Well since then I have let that desire pass. He's more of a lady than a man and anyone who knows me knows when I want a man a want a MAN. no man tears thanks.

So I went on a "date" with a hotty from okcupid. The basic do I want to fuck you? kinda exploratory date where if he turns out to be ugly or feels the need to talk alot about things I dont want to hear I tell him he should leave. LUckily for me he was very attractive. hot hot body.

un luckily for me he got killed by a condom. Or rather his hard on did. HUUUUGE shame it would have been amazing. He took care of me though the second guy to be able to find and kepp my clit happy. although a little too much I didnt even get fingered. I always was a fan of the happy combination of both. Oh well I gave him a hand job. :: D

My apartment is not quite as moved into as i would like at this point but im still broke. I have a nasty feeling its going to be like that for well a really really long time. No real man news to repot Im still just trying to find someone not connected to my job at all. Which is proving slightly more difficult than I had hoped. maybe im making a big thing out of nothing. I usually do.

And the reason is.... Jordan?

hmm so Mark ( the guy i am uber in like with ) was suposse to come back tofday but no one has heard form him.


in his absense....


ok so the night of mimosas and goodbyes I walked outside what is now emy front door to what i believe was Mark telling Jordan to go for me. Which sucked but hey the guy's attached i knew that wasnt going anywhere. So im all who wants a mimosa!!!!!!!!!!

and Jordan says ok.

So since then i've only really seen him at work. BUt i keep staring at him. He's a bit bigger than i like my white boys but it isnt something that bothers me. And we make each other smile hardcore. like the smile that you cant make go away until you press your lips in and think of other things.

The other day I was walking with my neighbor Blue who yes i've had sex with. it was short and sweet for him becuase im just that good. BUT anyway we were walking to the grocery store and we see Jordan at the laundry mat ( even though he lives like a half hour away possibly more) and I bust on him all the time for not coming by the apartment and he throws me shitty excuses) So now its like our thing. I pretend to be really mad at him and we glare at each other til someone cracks. it's usually me.

TOday I was on register and he was wheeling water up to the front and there was customer traffic meaning people were being retarded so he stopped next to me and just stared so i stared and then looked down and looked back up and he was still staring. Then we smiled. And kept smiling. and he went to work and i went to work. ANd i look up again and he's looking at me so i stick my tongue out at him. And he smiles and I smile and i couldnt make it go away. For like 3 mins straight i have this goofy secret smile. SO i look over and he's doing the exact same thing. kinda tight lips but smiling the same i cant make this smile go away thing i was doing. Then we stared at each other form across the store while he stocked shelves and i was still on reg. ITs so odd, i havent had this feeling in a very long time. I want to explore it.

but he doesnt have enough time for me. He's in school. I know i wouldnt be happy with the lack of atention. but who knows right?

-Ruby

It always comes out wrong

Lord, life is so insane. Why would you have created a place in which everyone is MAD?


completely off their rockers.


like me for instance.


put up a parking lot. Couldnt have had paradise either. but it's great to know how strongly I feel about one of my friends who just so happens to be moving today and also going to visit his gf in australia.




Why, life do you have to treat me this way? A firm believer in the everything happens for a reason theory I cant see the reason in most parts of these last few weeks. with my living situation that i cant talk about here cuz i'll get narked on for having a feeling of own i might want to express and the girl i was looking for a place with deciding to just leave and the boy drama. I've found 2 who hit me hard in the face with feelings and couldnt have either one. TWo! i couldnt even find one in NYC in almost 3 years.


There had better be a damn good reason for this.


-Ruby

If you Ask Me to be Clever I'll Break Your Face

Im really grumpy and depressed though still quite happy with my current situation. Looking for an apartment wondering if im going to sex up this semi random guy whos not my type but has a bangin body.

hopefully seeing Matthieu next sunday, doubt ill be able to sex him up but maybe ill force him to make out with me.


Trying to ignore the burning desire to call Sky and occasionally failing miserably ( like when he texts me telling me to call him later)hey SOMETIMES i resist.

I just need to pick a co worker and be like hey you fuck me.

worked last time and i didnt even have to say anything.

The Low Down ... and Dirty

Ok so the news goes as follows....

I decided to fight for love. Wrote Sky a message telling him just that among other well written comments. He wrote back saying he was sick and would write me later tonight, I think he fell asleep in the lobby. I still have hope although it is small.


I went on a meeting with Matthieu from Okcupid who i seem interested in b/c he is cute and innocent and i can totally corrupt him.


I had sex with some co-workers.


That right I said co-workERS


MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I rock.

But of course

FUCK you. Fuck you for pretending to be right for me and not meaning it.

Fuck you for making me have a feeling and then taking it away.

FUCK YOU for not realizing or being afraid of what could have happened.



FUCK YOU.

I knew that he didnt really want what i wanted. back to breaking hearts and not getting emotionally attached.

what the HELL is going on

i dont understand, whats up with this kid?

wednesday he calls me up and asks me repeatedly to drive up and spend time with 'im even though he'd be at work. Just come hang out in the lobby with him. So then im all ok well i have staurday off ill come up then. but no. he sends me a text telling me i should come up but should wait til he has a day off. So i request off mon and tuesday so i can drive up to see him and get monday tuesday AND wednesday off. Soo im ALll excited thinking im going to get to see him for like two days at least. but no

no instead of sticking to that he has to come down here. So fine whatever ill see him during the day at least for two days cuz he doesnt want to sleep here. Fine whatev.

But NOOOOo now on monday he's driving to plam dale whereve the fuck that is and i can see him tuesday and a little bit of wednesday before he leaves.

and then he got off the phone with me. afte 20 MINS of talking. we normally talk for at least an hour. im so confused and upset he tells to me drive up and see him and then when im actually going ot do it he tells me not to. He tells me he wants to see me but when he actually has a chance he decides to spend the least amount of time with me.


I dont like this at all. he has to make up his fucking mind or not see me at all. its not fair to play with someones head. if he wants me to be a malicous bitch i will be. but i dont wnat to be.

so instead i've decided that since we aren't even seeing each other that its perfectly ok for me to go and see people. Like the other guy i think is awesome but didnt want to get involved with b/c of my like for someon else. But you know what?
fuck it. fuck feelings and fuck all this head game shit. I didnt want it in the first place.