Its interesting how each day of my life plays out. How many times the universe will give me what I need before I know I need it, and then take it away before i'm ready to give it up. I think it's teaching me to be less materialistic. I definitely having a problem with clinging to my past experiences because they can be so good. I have a need for every day to be that good. And it doesn't depend on who I'm with or what I'm doing it just depends on me. But with people like Connor, so completely un-expected so completely good I find it hard to see the reason why it would be presented to me and taken away so abruptly.
Not that there aren't possibilities for a replacement. In my life I need to have many people. I find that few can captivate my attention long enough for me to focus solely on them. And when I do they can rarely handle it. I need to spread it around over many so that no one person feels the burning intensity that is wholly my love. Connor and I, needless to say? Arent seeing each other anymore. Which I agree with due to his age but would never have done. Why does he have to be so young? He breaks my heart. He also is keeping me going. I love my life. I do. But im so sick and tired of the hurt and the pain and having no one in my life be truly close to me or truly understand me. I finally give up on looking and this incredibly amazing person who has the innate capability to get me comes bounding into my life. Which I dont trust and rightly so. Because again, as with everyone in my life whether I care about them or not, but more so when I do, leaves. Connor has joined the ranks of the few I love and the many who leave.
I find it strange that even my best friends, of which i can honestly say i've had three, have no idea who I am really am. Because they either a) dont believe in my exp. and therefore cannot possibly understand where I come from or b) do not have the ability to understand my exp.
for various reasons. I dont think like others im not wired like others i dont feel like others I dont have the exp. others have. On many levels my strangely unique way of thinking and perspective comes from a few things 1) direct observation- i like psychology and most people are very easy to read 2) intuition- call it what you will I can feel people in my head, I can sense intention 3) whatever is in my blood- my entire family draws in people like moths to the flame. And my flame is very very bright.
If I were to draw a self portrait I would draw a laughing girl, who's skin shone with all the light from the stars and the heat from the sun with people in the distance reaching for her and all the flowers around her burning.
And no I dont think very much of myself. As odd as that sounds. I am afraid to believe in myself. Afraid that I will only cause destruction, burn the people I love and be alone with everyone who needs me. I am very much alone. Having people react to me in all their ways has kept me alone, I am alone surrounded by people who dont know how unconnected I am to them. Occasionally I do not see from the first person perspective, it's worse than that. I see out from my head into the eyes of the observer who is in the room. it's like i'm looking out from the id. two sets of eyes one being inner and one being outer. It's a terribly detaching way of seeing the world. And sometimes I will make the decision to step into the outer set, becomes just me again, but just me its still an observer still constantly painfully aware of everything going on around her.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The newest new expierence
So I thought i'd been through it all. Every level of love, lust, want, desire. And yet I am still surprised. Age has never been an issue for me. Once back in Brooklyn I was seeing a guy who was 35 when I was 20. Its a mental thing. It's a soul thing. And finally my faith in this is tested.
One of my good friends turned 21 recently. The day before his (Julian) birthday our group of friends set up sloshball in the disc golf ( frisbee) park in our area. Sloshball being kickball/softball only 2nd base is a keg. Mucho Funo. After having a GREAT day ( one of my friend's friend made out with me in center field) we come back to the house and set up beer pong with some kids we recriuted at the park. My friend is an apprentice for a small farm and every now and then they have dinners at the farmhouse. Since it was his birthday weekend I decided to forsake the hot boy and go with my friend to the dinner. I've recently (since my almost fiance broke up with me) been very into my life. Doing everything I want to do ( as long as it doesnt hurt anyone) and as much as i can possibly stand being positvely accepting of myself. I also ( although I had two or three casual relationships *to be posted later*) stopped having sex. I had sex for the first time in two or three months about a week and a half ago. 19 year old, hot, new college student, not bad ( his first time in over a year) and i'm glad i got it out. I stopped having sex to better focus on my personal relationships.
So I went to this dinner not wearing shoes ( I hate shoes) in cut off jean shorts and Julian's grey and black stripped sweater. We get to the farm while it's still light out. we walk up and I see mostly older people sitting in a circle talking. Then a boy catches my eye and mouths ( i love your hair!) I have curly hair that's 85% dreaded and fire engine red. I'm used to being complimented ( or not) on it. I get introduced to everyone and julian asks if I want a tour of the farm. So him and my new friend ( Connor) go on an adventure. Now this kid is hot. We're talking Christian Bale's younger brother hot. Gorgeous smile. Yummy. So on the first turn around the trees I say to Connor "So how old are you?" To which he responds. 16
And I say COMPLETELY taken aback. "Well it's a good thing i didn't hit on you!" By saying which i was acctually in an indirect way, hitting on him. So we tour the farm and make it back to dinner. And we all notice that it's a full moon. Apparently the farm used to have full moon feasts every full moon. So we accidentally had this get full moon feast on the day before my friend's birthday and it just so happened to have been a great great day. So we say what we're thankful for and put our arms around each other in a circle around the table with the food and the jewish folk in our crowd ( which i LOVE cuz i used to go to chabbat ) sing some prayers and we all take a plate and sit down. So Connor and I sit next to each other and everyone starts chatting and eating and having an amazing time. And I no matter how much I tell myself dont dont dont it's wrong this isnt right.... when the knee found my knee I leaned back. And when the hand found my knee I smiled. And when the eyes caught my eyes I blushed. And when the girl across the table gave my evil eye I took my hand off his leg. For a second.
By the end of the night we were laughing and our hands were a wandering and when he TOLD me to get him food ( on my plate) instead of telling him to fuck off I said yes. And got wet at the idea of submission to this boy. This BOY. how sick. As a 23 going on 24 year old. a 23 year old who has almost her entire life controlled rage issues, anxiety, and lust, could NOT stop from getting him food, scratching my nails on his lower back and doing nothing more than being me. For the first time in a long time I had met someone who honestly from the first moment liked me for no other reason than I am who I am. So that night I went home without him. And all night I thought about him while sleeping at my friends house. And when I woke up thought about him more. And later that day he called the phone of someone in the house to get ahold of Julian ( due to him having lost his phoen several days earlier) I managed to scam the number of the paper it was written on. Eventhough he had my number I couldnt wait to talk to him. I text him and we met later that day for sushi. I wore this green dress I had modified to be shorter in the front and my hair in a curly bun. And flip flops ( it was a resturant i HAD to wear shoes ) I have never been more nervous in my life. This boy, however old in spirit, was wrecking havoc on my brain. Seven year difference may not be that old once you're BOTH 20+ but all I could think was what ARE you doing here. And being the honest person that I am I came clean about it pretty early on.
We had an amazing time. He paid for dinner and it felt so wierdly ok to walk out with him. We've gone to the Botanical gardens too. Everytime i think about seeing him it makes me life seem to glow just a little more. And everytime I think that theres 4 years in between him and a bar, I cring. But I just cant stop myself. And for this I'd really rather not.
One of my good friends turned 21 recently. The day before his (Julian) birthday our group of friends set up sloshball in the disc golf ( frisbee) park in our area. Sloshball being kickball/softball only 2nd base is a keg. Mucho Funo. After having a GREAT day ( one of my friend's friend made out with me in center field) we come back to the house and set up beer pong with some kids we recriuted at the park. My friend is an apprentice for a small farm and every now and then they have dinners at the farmhouse. Since it was his birthday weekend I decided to forsake the hot boy and go with my friend to the dinner. I've recently (since my almost fiance broke up with me) been very into my life. Doing everything I want to do ( as long as it doesnt hurt anyone) and as much as i can possibly stand being positvely accepting of myself. I also ( although I had two or three casual relationships *to be posted later*) stopped having sex. I had sex for the first time in two or three months about a week and a half ago. 19 year old, hot, new college student, not bad ( his first time in over a year) and i'm glad i got it out. I stopped having sex to better focus on my personal relationships.
So I went to this dinner not wearing shoes ( I hate shoes) in cut off jean shorts and Julian's grey and black stripped sweater. We get to the farm while it's still light out. we walk up and I see mostly older people sitting in a circle talking. Then a boy catches my eye and mouths ( i love your hair!) I have curly hair that's 85% dreaded and fire engine red. I'm used to being complimented ( or not) on it. I get introduced to everyone and julian asks if I want a tour of the farm. So him and my new friend ( Connor) go on an adventure. Now this kid is hot. We're talking Christian Bale's younger brother hot. Gorgeous smile. Yummy. So on the first turn around the trees I say to Connor "So how old are you?" To which he responds. 16
And I say COMPLETELY taken aback. "Well it's a good thing i didn't hit on you!" By saying which i was acctually in an indirect way, hitting on him. So we tour the farm and make it back to dinner. And we all notice that it's a full moon. Apparently the farm used to have full moon feasts every full moon. So we accidentally had this get full moon feast on the day before my friend's birthday and it just so happened to have been a great great day. So we say what we're thankful for and put our arms around each other in a circle around the table with the food and the jewish folk in our crowd ( which i LOVE cuz i used to go to chabbat ) sing some prayers and we all take a plate and sit down. So Connor and I sit next to each other and everyone starts chatting and eating and having an amazing time. And I no matter how much I tell myself dont dont dont it's wrong this isnt right.... when the knee found my knee I leaned back. And when the hand found my knee I smiled. And when the eyes caught my eyes I blushed. And when the girl across the table gave my evil eye I took my hand off his leg. For a second.
By the end of the night we were laughing and our hands were a wandering and when he TOLD me to get him food ( on my plate) instead of telling him to fuck off I said yes. And got wet at the idea of submission to this boy. This BOY. how sick. As a 23 going on 24 year old. a 23 year old who has almost her entire life controlled rage issues, anxiety, and lust, could NOT stop from getting him food, scratching my nails on his lower back and doing nothing more than being me. For the first time in a long time I had met someone who honestly from the first moment liked me for no other reason than I am who I am. So that night I went home without him. And all night I thought about him while sleeping at my friends house. And when I woke up thought about him more. And later that day he called the phone of someone in the house to get ahold of Julian ( due to him having lost his phoen several days earlier) I managed to scam the number of the paper it was written on. Eventhough he had my number I couldnt wait to talk to him. I text him and we met later that day for sushi. I wore this green dress I had modified to be shorter in the front and my hair in a curly bun. And flip flops ( it was a resturant i HAD to wear shoes ) I have never been more nervous in my life. This boy, however old in spirit, was wrecking havoc on my brain. Seven year difference may not be that old once you're BOTH 20+ but all I could think was what ARE you doing here. And being the honest person that I am I came clean about it pretty early on.
We had an amazing time. He paid for dinner and it felt so wierdly ok to walk out with him. We've gone to the Botanical gardens too. Everytime i think about seeing him it makes me life seem to glow just a little more. And everytime I think that theres 4 years in between him and a bar, I cring. But I just cant stop myself. And for this I'd really rather not.
Encounters of the 4th kind
So, to recap slightly. After going sexual with a good guy friend who said he didnt want a girlfriend and then ended up wanted the cake wanted to eat the cake but didnt want to call it cake, I ended the sexual aspect of it. I wasn't interested in his roomate until a few months down the orad when the two of spent more time alone together. Then it became me being interested in the POTENTIAL of a person. Something i do quite often and on this particular subject was not entirely aware of it. The roomate (scott) and i both decided to that we were "seeing" each other although according to him he would be unhappy if i was "seeing" anyone else. So we were monogamous yet calling it something else, something less definate. Because also in his words "relationships are something that end."
The anxiety I hadn't had since high school had finally come back with a vengance. I realized much later that my anxiety was due to the fact that I knew I didnt want to be with him. And yet when I left to take care of my manic depressive sister for a month ( TOTALLY fucking my life in the process) I left him with a "let's try" b/c I was still seeing our potential, if we were older, if he wasnt so scarred emotionally, if, if, if.
After getting to Oahu I realized, hey, I dont miss him. hey I dont really want to be with him. And after some yoga and a lot of breathing excersises my axiety went away alltogether. And a few weeks later I layed eyes on the only man who made me want a ring on my finger. More so I wanted a ring on HIS finger. VEry long, not so boring story later We got together he proposed I said no. A few weeks after that I was back home and we were looking for houses together via the internets, talking everyday three of more times minimum and he was planning on going awol to see me. Oh yea hes a navy boy. And then the day before easter he called me at work and told me, the same man who said all the times he ever said I love you to any girl before me was a lie he didnt realize he was telling, said he didnt think we were going to work out. His ex girlfriend had called him and said she was pregnant. This was her third attempt at getting him back. but this time he believed her. And guess what boys and girls? She lied.
Haha motherfucker.
So after a while ( is been a few months) i started feeling not so lost, started going to school again and ca see my whole life ahead of me. Its not wonderful everyday I'm still very very unsure, doubtful, and lonely. But I'm also incredibly happy, on one of the best paths I've ever been on and learned some very valuable lessons. I'm about to learn another one.....
The anxiety I hadn't had since high school had finally come back with a vengance. I realized much later that my anxiety was due to the fact that I knew I didnt want to be with him. And yet when I left to take care of my manic depressive sister for a month ( TOTALLY fucking my life in the process) I left him with a "let's try" b/c I was still seeing our potential, if we were older, if he wasnt so scarred emotionally, if, if, if.
After getting to Oahu I realized, hey, I dont miss him. hey I dont really want to be with him. And after some yoga and a lot of breathing excersises my axiety went away alltogether. And a few weeks later I layed eyes on the only man who made me want a ring on my finger. More so I wanted a ring on HIS finger. VEry long, not so boring story later We got together he proposed I said no. A few weeks after that I was back home and we were looking for houses together via the internets, talking everyday three of more times minimum and he was planning on going awol to see me. Oh yea hes a navy boy. And then the day before easter he called me at work and told me, the same man who said all the times he ever said I love you to any girl before me was a lie he didnt realize he was telling, said he didnt think we were going to work out. His ex girlfriend had called him and said she was pregnant. This was her third attempt at getting him back. but this time he believed her. And guess what boys and girls? She lied.
Haha motherfucker.
So after a while ( is been a few months) i started feeling not so lost, started going to school again and ca see my whole life ahead of me. Its not wonderful everyday I'm still very very unsure, doubtful, and lonely. But I'm also incredibly happy, on one of the best paths I've ever been on and learned some very valuable lessons. I'm about to learn another one.....
Monday, September 7, 2009
It's been a while....... since. i've. written. here
It's been a Loooooooong time since I wrote here! I kinda forgot about this and have been requested I keep it updated! I'll just hit on the major points since it's been so long. Since Bones (who I never got with) I've had some major things happen. I ended up with a Hawaiian boy who lived with some "friends" of mine. In the beginning I thought it was a problem that he liked me so much. And then I decided hey, he likes me! that means I dont have to worry about him. Oh how wrong I was. We had one of those moments that's like, I'll just put it in for a second and then we'll get a condom. And in ONE SECOND, he came. Damn. And then the pill didnt work. And I was pregnant.
WORST moment of my life. I had a real decision to make. But for me, providing the BEST possible life for my child is the ONLY option. And I couldn't do that. In the few weeks it took for me to find out I was pregnant I also found out that my new boyfriend, the first official boyfriend in FIVE YEARS, was a hard drug using, used to be drug selling, murderer. Great, love my life! kisses and hugs universe, you bitch. So I got an abortion, which my murderous drug using boyfriend (still ) paid for. After which he cheated on me. And all my "friends" knew about it. They knew about my abortion too. So i made it official that we WEREN'T together anymore.
After that I went into a monogamous yet casual relationship with a friend of a friend. A DJ, a very good one at that. After we consenually stopped seeing each other I had a here and there with some people, messed up a good relation with a guy friend over his roomate. And then said roomate was the beginning of a very very messy encounter, of possibly the 4th kind.........
WORST moment of my life. I had a real decision to make. But for me, providing the BEST possible life for my child is the ONLY option. And I couldn't do that. In the few weeks it took for me to find out I was pregnant I also found out that my new boyfriend, the first official boyfriend in FIVE YEARS, was a hard drug using, used to be drug selling, murderer. Great, love my life! kisses and hugs universe, you bitch. So I got an abortion, which my murderous drug using boyfriend (still ) paid for. After which he cheated on me. And all my "friends" knew about it. They knew about my abortion too. So i made it official that we WEREN'T together anymore.
After that I went into a monogamous yet casual relationship with a friend of a friend. A DJ, a very good one at that. After we consenually stopped seeing each other I had a here and there with some people, messed up a good relation with a guy friend over his roomate. And then said roomate was the beginning of a very very messy encounter, of possibly the 4th kind.........
Saturday, November 24, 2007
forgotten times
I also forgot to mention Jeff a boy from my job who gave me my first unexpected kiss. It was really nice. too bad he got back with his girlfriend.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Bruises and Burns
Well since Halloween I have stopped seeing the guy I was "dating". I met up with his hot hot friend and we made out but he has a girlfriend.
And alas if Only I could post the pictures of left arm. Had a really fun night two nights ago. My roommate got into an accident ( he's ok thank goodness) which prompted me to drink with him which prompted people to come over which prompted a boy to sleep in my bed. Bones! he's cute we wandered around together on the night of my halloween party but i ran away form him. I wasnt feeling it. Now I think I could like him. We actually just slept together. too cute. then he took my shirt off the next morning and I gave hima hard on and he left. ::D then today Thanksgiving! I cooked a huge meal and people came over to my house in the evening. I didnt actually cook for them i didnt know anyone was coming. but Bones came! and we hung out and then he left early after i gave him a hard on and we made out. a mutual friend said that Bones is seeing some girl where he lives about an hour away from here.
dont worry updates on the situation will follow.
description of Bones: scruffy, blue eyes, dark hair, taller than me by alot, thinner but muscly, in a band very very attractive. smells good. :: D
And alas if Only I could post the pictures of left arm. Had a really fun night two nights ago. My roommate got into an accident ( he's ok thank goodness) which prompted me to drink with him which prompted people to come over which prompted a boy to sleep in my bed. Bones! he's cute we wandered around together on the night of my halloween party but i ran away form him. I wasnt feeling it. Now I think I could like him. We actually just slept together. too cute. then he took my shirt off the next morning and I gave hima hard on and he left. ::D then today Thanksgiving! I cooked a huge meal and people came over to my house in the evening. I didnt actually cook for them i didnt know anyone was coming. but Bones came! and we hung out and then he left early after i gave him a hard on and we made out. a mutual friend said that Bones is seeing some girl where he lives about an hour away from here.
dont worry updates on the situation will follow.
description of Bones: scruffy, blue eyes, dark hair, taller than me by alot, thinner but muscly, in a band very very attractive. smells good. :: D
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Fate'll spit in Yer Eye, but She'll also make you Cum
Well after all the mess with said friend and secretly controlling robot master( laughs manically ) my move has turned into a success.
Although the boy im seeing may not be around much longer. We had our first date on Halloween and had really hot sex. I told him we werent boyfriend and girlfriend and he was like kinda sad about it. I dont want to just be with one person. Especially a morning person. Ugh.
oh Jefferson if you're reading this I may be visiting for a few days in January. ::D
I'll be seeing Matt as well.
Although the boy im seeing may not be around much longer. We had our first date on Halloween and had really hot sex. I told him we werent boyfriend and girlfriend and he was like kinda sad about it. I dont want to just be with one person. Especially a morning person. Ugh.
oh Jefferson if you're reading this I may be visiting for a few days in January. ::D
I'll be seeing Matt as well.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Life and Things
hmm what did i last report on?
oh yes Jordan. Well since then I have let that desire pass. He's more of a lady than a man and anyone who knows me knows when I want a man a want a MAN. no man tears thanks.
So I went on a "date" with a hotty from okcupid. The basic do I want to fuck you? kinda exploratory date where if he turns out to be ugly or feels the need to talk alot about things I dont want to hear I tell him he should leave. LUckily for me he was very attractive. hot hot body.
un luckily for me he got killed by a condom. Or rather his hard on did. HUUUUGE shame it would have been amazing. He took care of me though the second guy to be able to find and kepp my clit happy. although a little too much I didnt even get fingered. I always was a fan of the happy combination of both. Oh well I gave him a hand job. :: D
My apartment is not quite as moved into as i would like at this point but im still broke. I have a nasty feeling its going to be like that for well a really really long time. No real man news to repot Im still just trying to find someone not connected to my job at all. Which is proving slightly more difficult than I had hoped. maybe im making a big thing out of nothing. I usually do.
oh yes Jordan. Well since then I have let that desire pass. He's more of a lady than a man and anyone who knows me knows when I want a man a want a MAN. no man tears thanks.
So I went on a "date" with a hotty from okcupid. The basic do I want to fuck you? kinda exploratory date where if he turns out to be ugly or feels the need to talk alot about things I dont want to hear I tell him he should leave. LUckily for me he was very attractive. hot hot body.
un luckily for me he got killed by a condom. Or rather his hard on did. HUUUUGE shame it would have been amazing. He took care of me though the second guy to be able to find and kepp my clit happy. although a little too much I didnt even get fingered. I always was a fan of the happy combination of both. Oh well I gave him a hand job. :: D
My apartment is not quite as moved into as i would like at this point but im still broke. I have a nasty feeling its going to be like that for well a really really long time. No real man news to repot Im still just trying to find someone not connected to my job at all. Which is proving slightly more difficult than I had hoped. maybe im making a big thing out of nothing. I usually do.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
And the reason is.... Jordan?
hmm so Mark ( the guy i am uber in like with ) was suposse to come back tofday but no one has heard form him.
in his absense....
ok so the night of mimosas and goodbyes I walked outside what is now emy front door to what i believe was Mark telling Jordan to go for me. Which sucked but hey the guy's attached i knew that wasnt going anywhere. So im all who wants a mimosa!!!!!!!!!!
and Jordan says ok.
So since then i've only really seen him at work. BUt i keep staring at him. He's a bit bigger than i like my white boys but it isnt something that bothers me. And we make each other smile hardcore. like the smile that you cant make go away until you press your lips in and think of other things.
The other day I was walking with my neighbor Blue who yes i've had sex with. it was short and sweet for him becuase im just that good. BUT anyway we were walking to the grocery store and we see Jordan at the laundry mat ( even though he lives like a half hour away possibly more) and I bust on him all the time for not coming by the apartment and he throws me shitty excuses) So now its like our thing. I pretend to be really mad at him and we glare at each other til someone cracks. it's usually me.
TOday I was on register and he was wheeling water up to the front and there was customer traffic meaning people were being retarded so he stopped next to me and just stared so i stared and then looked down and looked back up and he was still staring. Then we smiled. And kept smiling. and he went to work and i went to work. ANd i look up again and he's looking at me so i stick my tongue out at him. And he smiles and I smile and i couldnt make it go away. For like 3 mins straight i have this goofy secret smile. SO i look over and he's doing the exact same thing. kinda tight lips but smiling the same i cant make this smile go away thing i was doing. Then we stared at each other form across the store while he stocked shelves and i was still on reg. ITs so odd, i havent had this feeling in a very long time. I want to explore it.
but he doesnt have enough time for me. He's in school. I know i wouldnt be happy with the lack of atention. but who knows right?
-Ruby
in his absense....
ok so the night of mimosas and goodbyes I walked outside what is now emy front door to what i believe was Mark telling Jordan to go for me. Which sucked but hey the guy's attached i knew that wasnt going anywhere. So im all who wants a mimosa!!!!!!!!!!
and Jordan says ok.
So since then i've only really seen him at work. BUt i keep staring at him. He's a bit bigger than i like my white boys but it isnt something that bothers me. And we make each other smile hardcore. like the smile that you cant make go away until you press your lips in and think of other things.
The other day I was walking with my neighbor Blue who yes i've had sex with. it was short and sweet for him becuase im just that good. BUT anyway we were walking to the grocery store and we see Jordan at the laundry mat ( even though he lives like a half hour away possibly more) and I bust on him all the time for not coming by the apartment and he throws me shitty excuses) So now its like our thing. I pretend to be really mad at him and we glare at each other til someone cracks. it's usually me.
TOday I was on register and he was wheeling water up to the front and there was customer traffic meaning people were being retarded so he stopped next to me and just stared so i stared and then looked down and looked back up and he was still staring. Then we smiled. And kept smiling. and he went to work and i went to work. ANd i look up again and he's looking at me so i stick my tongue out at him. And he smiles and I smile and i couldnt make it go away. For like 3 mins straight i have this goofy secret smile. SO i look over and he's doing the exact same thing. kinda tight lips but smiling the same i cant make this smile go away thing i was doing. Then we stared at each other form across the store while he stocked shelves and i was still on reg. ITs so odd, i havent had this feeling in a very long time. I want to explore it.
but he doesnt have enough time for me. He's in school. I know i wouldnt be happy with the lack of atention. but who knows right?
-Ruby
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
It always comes out wrong
Lord, life is so insane. Why would you have created a place in which everyone is MAD?
completely off their rockers.
like me for instance.
put up a parking lot. Couldnt have had paradise either. but it's great to know how strongly I feel about one of my friends who just so happens to be moving today and also going to visit his gf in australia.
Why, life do you have to treat me this way? A firm believer in the everything happens for a reason theory I cant see the reason in most parts of these last few weeks. with my living situation that i cant talk about here cuz i'll get narked on for having a feeling of own i might want to express and the girl i was looking for a place with deciding to just leave and the boy drama. I've found 2 who hit me hard in the face with feelings and couldnt have either one. TWo! i couldnt even find one in NYC in almost 3 years.
There had better be a damn good reason for this.
-Ruby
completely off their rockers.
like me for instance.
put up a parking lot. Couldnt have had paradise either. but it's great to know how strongly I feel about one of my friends who just so happens to be moving today and also going to visit his gf in australia.
Why, life do you have to treat me this way? A firm believer in the everything happens for a reason theory I cant see the reason in most parts of these last few weeks. with my living situation that i cant talk about here cuz i'll get narked on for having a feeling of own i might want to express and the girl i was looking for a place with deciding to just leave and the boy drama. I've found 2 who hit me hard in the face with feelings and couldnt have either one. TWo! i couldnt even find one in NYC in almost 3 years.
There had better be a damn good reason for this.
-Ruby
Saturday, September 8, 2007
If you Ask Me to be Clever I'll Break Your Face
Im really grumpy and depressed though still quite happy with my current situation. Looking for an apartment wondering if im going to sex up this semi random guy whos not my type but has a bangin body.
hopefully seeing Matthieu next sunday, doubt ill be able to sex him up but maybe ill force him to make out with me.
Trying to ignore the burning desire to call Sky and occasionally failing miserably ( like when he texts me telling me to call him later)hey SOMETIMES i resist.
I just need to pick a co worker and be like hey you fuck me.
worked last time and i didnt even have to say anything.
hopefully seeing Matthieu next sunday, doubt ill be able to sex him up but maybe ill force him to make out with me.
Trying to ignore the burning desire to call Sky and occasionally failing miserably ( like when he texts me telling me to call him later)hey SOMETIMES i resist.
I just need to pick a co worker and be like hey you fuck me.
worked last time and i didnt even have to say anything.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
The Low Down ... and Dirty
Ok so the news goes as follows....
I decided to fight for love. Wrote Sky a message telling him just that among other well written comments. He wrote back saying he was sick and would write me later tonight, I think he fell asleep in the lobby. I still have hope although it is small.
I went on a meeting with Matthieu from Okcupid who i seem interested in b/c he is cute and innocent and i can totally corrupt him.
I had sex with some co-workers.
That right I said co-workERS
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I rock.
I decided to fight for love. Wrote Sky a message telling him just that among other well written comments. He wrote back saying he was sick and would write me later tonight, I think he fell asleep in the lobby. I still have hope although it is small.
I went on a meeting with Matthieu from Okcupid who i seem interested in b/c he is cute and innocent and i can totally corrupt him.
I had sex with some co-workers.
That right I said co-workERS
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I rock.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
But of course
FUCK you. Fuck you for pretending to be right for me and not meaning it.
Fuck you for making me have a feeling and then taking it away.
FUCK YOU for not realizing or being afraid of what could have happened.
FUCK YOU.
I knew that he didnt really want what i wanted. back to breaking hearts and not getting emotionally attached.
Fuck you for making me have a feeling and then taking it away.
FUCK YOU for not realizing or being afraid of what could have happened.
FUCK YOU.
I knew that he didnt really want what i wanted. back to breaking hearts and not getting emotionally attached.
Friday, August 31, 2007
what the HELL is going on
i dont understand, whats up with this kid?
wednesday he calls me up and asks me repeatedly to drive up and spend time with 'im even though he'd be at work. Just come hang out in the lobby with him. So then im all ok well i have staurday off ill come up then. but no. he sends me a text telling me i should come up but should wait til he has a day off. So i request off mon and tuesday so i can drive up to see him and get monday tuesday AND wednesday off. Soo im ALll excited thinking im going to get to see him for like two days at least. but no
no instead of sticking to that he has to come down here. So fine whatever ill see him during the day at least for two days cuz he doesnt want to sleep here. Fine whatev.
But NOOOOo now on monday he's driving to plam dale whereve the fuck that is and i can see him tuesday and a little bit of wednesday before he leaves.
and then he got off the phone with me. afte 20 MINS of talking. we normally talk for at least an hour. im so confused and upset he tells to me drive up and see him and then when im actually going ot do it he tells me not to. He tells me he wants to see me but when he actually has a chance he decides to spend the least amount of time with me.
I dont like this at all. he has to make up his fucking mind or not see me at all. its not fair to play with someones head. if he wants me to be a malicous bitch i will be. but i dont wnat to be.
so instead i've decided that since we aren't even seeing each other that its perfectly ok for me to go and see people. Like the other guy i think is awesome but didnt want to get involved with b/c of my like for someon else. But you know what?
fuck it. fuck feelings and fuck all this head game shit. I didnt want it in the first place.
wednesday he calls me up and asks me repeatedly to drive up and spend time with 'im even though he'd be at work. Just come hang out in the lobby with him. So then im all ok well i have staurday off ill come up then. but no. he sends me a text telling me i should come up but should wait til he has a day off. So i request off mon and tuesday so i can drive up to see him and get monday tuesday AND wednesday off. Soo im ALll excited thinking im going to get to see him for like two days at least. but no
no instead of sticking to that he has to come down here. So fine whatever ill see him during the day at least for two days cuz he doesnt want to sleep here. Fine whatev.
But NOOOOo now on monday he's driving to plam dale whereve the fuck that is and i can see him tuesday and a little bit of wednesday before he leaves.
and then he got off the phone with me. afte 20 MINS of talking. we normally talk for at least an hour. im so confused and upset he tells to me drive up and see him and then when im actually going ot do it he tells me not to. He tells me he wants to see me but when he actually has a chance he decides to spend the least amount of time with me.
I dont like this at all. he has to make up his fucking mind or not see me at all. its not fair to play with someones head. if he wants me to be a malicous bitch i will be. but i dont wnat to be.
so instead i've decided that since we aren't even seeing each other that its perfectly ok for me to go and see people. Like the other guy i think is awesome but didnt want to get involved with b/c of my like for someon else. But you know what?
fuck it. fuck feelings and fuck all this head game shit. I didnt want it in the first place.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The Official Buzz Kill
moral: trust your friends with nothing
back story:
I moved to CA with the promise of a couch and free rent. Now I'm being booted by my very good friend So that her subtly controlling assmonkey of a girlfriend can move in. The type of spoiled girl who always gets her way and clearly doesnt want me in my friends life. For whatever reason. And since my friend is going along with it. I dont have a choice.
So to sum up, the first boy I've liked in abour 4 years might be running away screaming ( I got a messge from him that is secretly telling me he thinks he might shoot himself if he had to spend two days with me ( although he did the i dont knwo if You can take ME shit ) and Im homeless in a month.
So rock on.
back story:
I moved to CA with the promise of a couch and free rent. Now I'm being booted by my very good friend So that her subtly controlling assmonkey of a girlfriend can move in. The type of spoiled girl who always gets her way and clearly doesnt want me in my friends life. For whatever reason. And since my friend is going along with it. I dont have a choice.
So to sum up, the first boy I've liked in abour 4 years might be running away screaming ( I got a messge from him that is secretly telling me he thinks he might shoot himself if he had to spend two days with me ( although he did the i dont knwo if You can take ME shit ) and Im homeless in a month.
So rock on.
The Rant AND the Rave about Luf
So the boy from okcupid.
I am unique. I am strange. i know when i will love someone.
Never in my LIFE have i met anyone who some completley compliments me.
So Skyler. The boy who gives me everything I want without knowing I want it. Im so scared.
I have to urge to run away. I have the thougt that he will run away. Im so scared.
Someone reassure me. SOmeone hold me and tel lme I will be fine. Oh wait thats something Sky would do if he knew how i felt. But i cant tell him. Its been a week! he's aboy. He would run. WOuldnt he?
Would you? How am I supposed to let my guard down? After the most terrible of relationships in 03-'04 the love of my life, the douche bag of america, the scars i wear!
I talk to this boy everynight. Everything he says makes me wish with all my soul that he were next to me. That somehow if I close my eyes and wish enough I could be next to him. But I cant tell him. I wont be able to tell him the next time i see him ( if i get the days off) And i wont be able to tell him the time after that. I cant tell him on the phone ( his reaction could be a lie how would i know? i wouldnt be there to see it) I just cant bear to say it. Iliek you , eventually I love you. i cant say it anymore. Saying it means it'll end. This boy has no idea how fucked up I am.
What do i do? how do i stop freaking out and go with the flow? Everything I know says he'll run. Everythign i Know tells me im the one who will fuck it up.
i wish i wish i wish
wishing does nothing for the soul.
End of Rant. Beginning of worry, luf, and heartache.
I am unique. I am strange. i know when i will love someone.
Never in my LIFE have i met anyone who some completley compliments me.
So Skyler. The boy who gives me everything I want without knowing I want it. Im so scared.
I have to urge to run away. I have the thougt that he will run away. Im so scared.
Someone reassure me. SOmeone hold me and tel lme I will be fine. Oh wait thats something Sky would do if he knew how i felt. But i cant tell him. Its been a week! he's aboy. He would run. WOuldnt he?
Would you? How am I supposed to let my guard down? After the most terrible of relationships in 03-'04 the love of my life, the douche bag of america, the scars i wear!
I talk to this boy everynight. Everything he says makes me wish with all my soul that he were next to me. That somehow if I close my eyes and wish enough I could be next to him. But I cant tell him. I wont be able to tell him the next time i see him ( if i get the days off) And i wont be able to tell him the time after that. I cant tell him on the phone ( his reaction could be a lie how would i know? i wouldnt be there to see it) I just cant bear to say it. Iliek you , eventually I love you. i cant say it anymore. Saying it means it'll end. This boy has no idea how fucked up I am.
What do i do? how do i stop freaking out and go with the flow? Everything I know says he'll run. Everythign i Know tells me im the one who will fuck it up.
i wish i wish i wish
wishing does nothing for the soul.
End of Rant. Beginning of worry, luf, and heartache.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Dating + 2
Well as some of you who actually know me know I have an okcupid account. ( Thank you Em. ) no for me okcupid is just another way to meet guys ( and girls) that i want to fuck. But since i recently movved to Cali i've been holding off on the one night stands ( they're isnt an orgy scene in santa B) and all that fun stuff. So i met up with a guy from okcupid who I thought was pretty decent and he as but i didnt feel the spark.
So whilst browsing around the internet for emails and such i have a tendancy to leave my okcupid up and people IM me through it. Alot of people just want me to talk dirty to them which i hate because unless imgetting something outta uit im not going to entertain some loser. ( i told you i was a bitch)
so this one day im chatting it up with a hotty from my area and i get an incoming chat from this guy with one picture thats liek well i think you're cute but who knows cuz its grainy and im really precarious about it and i really wanted to blow him off. So we get to talking and in the back of mind i keep thinking this guys a dick he's so totally going to say something dick-ish any minute know thats going to make me want to wish i never accepted his chat. But he didnt. And the next night he didnt. and the night after that
So I started working at trader Joes the 4 to midnight shift. And i had talked to this guy ( Skyler ) on the phone in my bathrub, the only place i get reception) and all I could think was that I loved the sound of his voice. I was very into it. So the 21 I go into work and Sklyer was in the area ( he lives like 7 hrs away from me) but i told my new foudn co workers i would go to the bar with them. So im driving and im lost and he calls and we chat for a second and he's all wel li Dont want to distract you and we hang up and i get to where im going and im wandering around looking for an atm and i have a voicemail. And its Skyler ( what a great name!)
and he's like look I was thinking after i hung up with you that all i want to do tonight is hang out with Lily. So i leap. We decided to meet half way between where i was and where he was visiting. The state beach.
I've never hung out with anyone on the beach at night. We walked around and hung out and got rough( literally the whole little kid im going to beat onyou cuz i like you deal) and then idk i was kissing his neck and then we wre kissing and for once in a really long time i felt passion. Welay in the sand and he rubbed my back without even me saying anything and we had completely comforatable silence. And the passion I felt for him! I had passion with Matt but it was more raw and sexual. This was more I just want to touch you, feel you, know you passion. The kind of passion I had when i was in love with my Bf in'03.
So im thinking , interesting i barely know the guy.
well we hung out until 5am. and we never had sex. he didnt even touch me inappropriately. ( half to my dismay half to my liking)
so of course we talked tonight on the phone and I went out to my car drunk to talk to him in private ( i live with 2 lezz's) and im like hmm my sex box is in this car. So i start to have some fun. Just hearing his voice makes me hot. I havent been with someone who seemed to respect me so much in years. So im in the car and im wearing his shirt ( that he handed me at the 2nd beach we went to that night totally un asked totally old fashioned date like) and all i can think is " i wish you were here"
So im trying to not think about the fact that I wanted to curl up with him on the beach ( he slep t on the beach that night cuz he locked himself out of his g/ parents house) and i would have had he oked it. But i didnt ask if he was ok with it. plus i had work an all to think about.
Its interesting getting bacck into the whole taking it semi slow stage. i wont get to Sky alot due to the time it takes to drive plus i have random day soff and he has random day of fand we work dif. night shifts. I get off at midnight he gets on at 11pm butim willing to try.
PLus when i move to San fran it wont be as much of a hassle to drive to his area.
i think im in shock. LIfe is going all too well. i dont trust it.
So whilst browsing around the internet for emails and such i have a tendancy to leave my okcupid up and people IM me through it. Alot of people just want me to talk dirty to them which i hate because unless imgetting something outta uit im not going to entertain some loser. ( i told you i was a bitch)
so this one day im chatting it up with a hotty from my area and i get an incoming chat from this guy with one picture thats liek well i think you're cute but who knows cuz its grainy and im really precarious about it and i really wanted to blow him off. So we get to talking and in the back of mind i keep thinking this guys a dick he's so totally going to say something dick-ish any minute know thats going to make me want to wish i never accepted his chat. But he didnt. And the next night he didnt. and the night after that
So I started working at trader Joes the 4 to midnight shift. And i had talked to this guy ( Skyler ) on the phone in my bathrub, the only place i get reception) and all I could think was that I loved the sound of his voice. I was very into it. So the 21 I go into work and Sklyer was in the area ( he lives like 7 hrs away from me) but i told my new foudn co workers i would go to the bar with them. So im driving and im lost and he calls and we chat for a second and he's all wel li Dont want to distract you and we hang up and i get to where im going and im wandering around looking for an atm and i have a voicemail. And its Skyler ( what a great name!)
and he's like look I was thinking after i hung up with you that all i want to do tonight is hang out with Lily. So i leap. We decided to meet half way between where i was and where he was visiting. The state beach.
I've never hung out with anyone on the beach at night. We walked around and hung out and got rough( literally the whole little kid im going to beat onyou cuz i like you deal) and then idk i was kissing his neck and then we wre kissing and for once in a really long time i felt passion. Welay in the sand and he rubbed my back without even me saying anything and we had completely comforatable silence. And the passion I felt for him! I had passion with Matt but it was more raw and sexual. This was more I just want to touch you, feel you, know you passion. The kind of passion I had when i was in love with my Bf in'03.
So im thinking , interesting i barely know the guy.
well we hung out until 5am. and we never had sex. he didnt even touch me inappropriately. ( half to my dismay half to my liking)
so of course we talked tonight on the phone and I went out to my car drunk to talk to him in private ( i live with 2 lezz's) and im like hmm my sex box is in this car. So i start to have some fun. Just hearing his voice makes me hot. I havent been with someone who seemed to respect me so much in years. So im in the car and im wearing his shirt ( that he handed me at the 2nd beach we went to that night totally un asked totally old fashioned date like) and all i can think is " i wish you were here"
So im trying to not think about the fact that I wanted to curl up with him on the beach ( he slep t on the beach that night cuz he locked himself out of his g/ parents house) and i would have had he oked it. But i didnt ask if he was ok with it. plus i had work an all to think about.
Its interesting getting bacck into the whole taking it semi slow stage. i wont get to Sky alot due to the time it takes to drive plus i have random day soff and he has random day of fand we work dif. night shifts. I get off at midnight he gets on at 11pm butim willing to try.
PLus when i move to San fran it wont be as much of a hassle to drive to his area.
i think im in shock. LIfe is going all too well.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
And now, for a post that has nothing to do with sex!
I just have some general good news I felt like reporting.
I had a 2 hour interview with Jeff from Starbucks and two other loverly ladies ( older women) today which went great followed by an amazing 2 hours of volleyball. It was AWESOME. i mean that in the original sense of the word. Down at the beach Right next to the waves and everything was surreal. The waves in the background where it met the sand made the water look like a computer generated display with overly large boats drifting by. It was great.
Plus theres a cute guy Guy on my new team. hopefully ill have a new sex blog soon :: D
I just have some general good news I felt like reporting.
I had a 2 hour interview with Jeff from Starbucks and two other loverly ladies ( older women) today which went great followed by an amazing 2 hours of volleyball. It was AWESOME. i mean that in the original sense of the word. Down at the beach Right next to the waves and everything was surreal. The waves in the background where it met the sand made the water look like a computer generated display with overly large boats drifting by. It was great.
Plus theres a cute guy Guy on my new team. hopefully ill have a new sex blog soon :: D
Monday, August 6, 2007
Black shirt it never gets dirty the longer you wear it the CRAZIER YOU GET!
Well the craziness has started again. Last night i went to gay night at Wildcat, which really isnt ever that gay. Lots of straight people. So when I had a full on ass grab I kinda well, i fucking flipped out.
I didnt even realize what I was doing. But this guy feels me up trying to get by me and i stand there for one second and watch his back and he wanders off then i litterally marched up to him ( im tall it took like 3 steps) and was like ---------------- ( i have no idea what i said) and then I grabbed the front of his shirt ( according to my friends who were behind me) and said dont you ever fucking touch me again. And then more word were exchanged and i dont remember what cuz it happen really fast. But he apologized and I walked back to m friends and then he ( his name is Daniel) walked up cuz he knew some of my friends and then he was explaining more and I was like you dont have to do that and then HE took offense and said something and flipped me off and I was like ok fine whatever if that's how you wawnt to be. So our mutual friend Ron was like ok hi! and did introductions and then Daniel was aplogizing and we were laughing and over it.
So for the rest of the night he was apologizing and we were having fun with each other. I cant believe I almost hit him though I was so angry. So of course I thought that happening would make me social outcast and that any straight boy would never come near me. So imagine my surprise when a guy walked up to me and said hello.
Not a terrible looking asian guy in a tight black shirt and black pants, tattoo's seemed pretty nice. So im talking to him and my new friend Diana was talking to him and eventually he offered to buy drinks. Which is really nice. but I wasnt feeling him so i said no. But everyone said oh come on just do it! So he bought me a drink, Diana a drink and Ron ( ron is so gay!) a drink. And then we danced. Now I've stopped getting drunk to go to the club. Im begining to prefer being high and loving life in a more sober way ( lets face it after like an hour and a half im pretty striaght up sober) But one of the reasons i love gay night is not just to prowl for women but so that when i dance with a guy I can get my ultimate groove on without having to worry about saying no im not going home with you thanks. Unfortuanely now i was dancing with a straight guy. So after two awesome dances i was getting sick of being near this guy.One of the dances we had together though was Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado I thought it was pretty appropriate. But after that I kept giving Diana help me looks. She suggested I go to the bathroom and suggested she show me where it is. So we spent like a good five or ten minutes in there talking and hanging out and then we went back around and danced some more.
But he found us. And after me blatently pointing out i was with Diana he walked away ( I had tried to hint to him that I was more gay by saying that I only come to Wildcat on gay night that i loved gay night for all these reasons like women!) So you think that him walking away meant he got it. That he understood that yes we had danced with him and we owed him nothing. Cuz honey after I danced with him we definately didnt owe him anything. So imagine our surprise when he came back later and Emily and Jen saved me and then we we got tired and went to sit down in the back corner booth and noticed he had been standing RIGHT behind me with his buddy. Or later when he came up again and tried to dance with me or the next time or at the end of the night when the bar was closing and I was dancing Salsa with Diana who was teaching me how and laughing and having a fucking great time and then this guy shows up. Im re tying my boot and suddenly hes dancing with my lady. ( my friend lady not my lady friend ) So i grab Diana and pull her away and then we go off with Emily and sit down adn then get up aain to dance to the last Salsa song. And creep ( Chris ) is STILL hovering, he found us by the door and said he hoped to see me around next Sunday, which means just in case NExt Sunday I cant go.
But all in all I had fun so wee!
I didnt even realize what I was doing. But this guy feels me up trying to get by me and i stand there for one second and watch his back and he wanders off then i litterally marched up to him ( im tall it took like 3 steps) and was like ---------------- ( i have no idea what i said) and then I grabbed the front of his shirt ( according to my friends who were behind me) and said dont you ever fucking touch me again. And then more word were exchanged and i dont remember what cuz it happen really fast. But he apologized and I walked back to m friends and then he ( his name is Daniel) walked up cuz he knew some of my friends and then he was explaining more and I was like you dont have to do that and then HE took offense and said something and flipped me off and I was like ok fine whatever if that's how you wawnt to be. So our mutual friend Ron was like ok hi! and did introductions and then Daniel was aplogizing and we were laughing and over it.
So for the rest of the night he was apologizing and we were having fun with each other. I cant believe I almost hit him though I was so angry. So of course I thought that happening would make me social outcast and that any straight boy would never come near me. So imagine my surprise when a guy walked up to me and said hello.
Not a terrible looking asian guy in a tight black shirt and black pants, tattoo's seemed pretty nice. So im talking to him and my new friend Diana was talking to him and eventually he offered to buy drinks. Which is really nice. but I wasnt feeling him so i said no. But everyone said oh come on just do it! So he bought me a drink, Diana a drink and Ron ( ron is so gay!) a drink. And then we danced. Now I've stopped getting drunk to go to the club. Im begining to prefer being high and loving life in a more sober way ( lets face it after like an hour and a half im pretty striaght up sober) But one of the reasons i love gay night is not just to prowl for women but so that when i dance with a guy I can get my ultimate groove on without having to worry about saying no im not going home with you thanks. Unfortuanely now i was dancing with a straight guy. So after two awesome dances i was getting sick of being near this guy.One of the dances we had together though was Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado I thought it was pretty appropriate. But after that I kept giving Diana help me looks. She suggested I go to the bathroom and suggested she show me where it is. So we spent like a good five or ten minutes in there talking and hanging out and then we went back around and danced some more.
But he found us. And after me blatently pointing out i was with Diana he walked away ( I had tried to hint to him that I was more gay by saying that I only come to Wildcat on gay night that i loved gay night for all these reasons like women!) So you think that him walking away meant he got it. That he understood that yes we had danced with him and we owed him nothing. Cuz honey after I danced with him we definately didnt owe him anything. So imagine our surprise when he came back later and Emily and Jen saved me and then we we got tired and went to sit down in the back corner booth and noticed he had been standing RIGHT behind me with his buddy. Or later when he came up again and tried to dance with me or the next time or at the end of the night when the bar was closing and I was dancing Salsa with Diana who was teaching me how and laughing and having a fucking great time and then this guy shows up. Im re tying my boot and suddenly hes dancing with my lady. ( my friend lady not my lady friend ) So i grab Diana and pull her away and then we go off with Emily and sit down adn then get up aain to dance to the last Salsa song. And creep ( Chris ) is STILL hovering, he found us by the door and said he hoped to see me around next Sunday, which means just in case NExt Sunday I cant go.
But all in all I had fun so wee!
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